I’ve never understood the sort of fruit machine that sits in the corner of a bar, waiting for some man to pump £10 in coins into it. I used to work as a security guard and sometimes we’d go for beer after work and one of my colleagues would put £20 into the fruity. In my experience the sort of person who plays the fruit machine is the same one who’s asking to borrow twenty quid at the start of the night.

But I’ve never been able to play. Occasionally I think “Ah, I must be old enough to understand these things now.” and put in a few pounds. I just seem to lose my money - either instantly, or within a couple of minutes. And there is zero satisfaction for me. I have no idea what I should hold, or nudge or whatever. It makes almost no sense to me - and then there’s some sort of board with lights. I understand all the underlying tech - the payout ratio (min. 70% in the UK, lowest in places like takeaways,highest in casinos), the bank of payout money that needs to have something in it for a payout to even happen.

It just seems like a game of chance where there’s an illusion of skill. Maybe there is skill involved, but if there is then I obviously don’t have it.